Smitty's Jokes

[Dr PennyStock]

[Smitty]

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,

"You Can Be THE Man of Your House".

Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he stormed

into the kitchen and announced to his wife, "From now on,

you need to know that I am the man of this house and my

word is the 'Law.' You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,

bring it to me, and when I am done eating my meal, you will

clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will

make love the way I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw

me a bath so I can relax. You will put on soothing music, wash

my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. You will

massage my feet and hands to relieve any last bit of tension

so that I can sleep like a baby. Then tomorrow, guess who's

going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess,

unless I have your butt cremated."

[Smitty]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

[Smitty]

Well earned Bonus......

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.
The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied "from the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received.
But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back.
"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The Captain calmly replied "Vietnam."

[Smitty]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk
.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Not everybody pays.”   

[Smitty]

Senior Church Moment


A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation --- no one wanted him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, ... 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, ..... I will give him sex!'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,... 'Screw him!'

Isn't senility wonderful?

[Smitty]

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when
one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,
minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike,
threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what
you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The
clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs
to be.

Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's
with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen
such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with
him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of
us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so
we always let them play for free anytime!."

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I
think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil
engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it
cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must
have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer.
Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system
has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational
area?"

Understanding Engineers #7

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers
believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #8

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent
over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up
again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and
stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and
returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time
for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

------------------------------ ------------

Two
engineers???

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its
top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but
we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple
of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape
measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced,
"Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us.
We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are
currently serving in the United States Congress.

[Greenfinger]

Smitty You Ole Blessed man YOU!! are still around GOOD TO SEE YOU!! ( that crazy picture)

[Smitty]

Smitty You Ole Blessed man YOU!! are still around GOOD TO SEE YOU!! ( that crazy picture)

Green Machine, you skirt chasin' young feller!!!!!! Caught any big tittied ones lately?

[Greenfinger]

Smitty You Ole Blessed man YOU!! are still around GOOD TO SEE YOU!! ( that crazy picture)

Green Machine, you skirt chasin' young feller!!!!!! Caught any big tittied ones lately?

Unfortunately no(stocks) (wife -yes). I am still on the hunt trying to make a few extra dollars while I am home watching my baby.

[Smitty]

A woman walks into the school office, trailed by 8 kids.

'WOW,' the clerk? exclaims, 'are they all yours?"

'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy'
All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the clerk, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy.'

In disbelief, the clerk says, 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' An they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop.
It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

The clerk thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively,

'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last name.'

[Dr PennyStock]

Very good this one

[Smitty]

Drinking Buddies!
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Philadelphia. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing
to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to... drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he
feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No "
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver."

[Smitty]

IF THE BOOTS FIT.........
A lady went into a bar in Tyler Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore Is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankya, ma'am. Ah'm real pleased. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don't be flattered" she said... "Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

[Smitty]

One day a man was walking along the beach when he found a bottle, when he opened it up a genie poped out. The genie said he could have one wish. The man thought about it a while then told the man that he was afraid of heights and got sea sick, but really wanted to go to Hawaii so he asked the genie to make a highway to Hawaii."I don't know said the genie", that is really difficult. Do you have another request?""Well, I really want to know all about women, you know, how they tick and why their the way they are!"The genie replied: "Will that be two lanes or four?"