Smitty's Jokes

[Smitty]

They Walk Among Us!
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A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge (still working), he put it in his front yard and hung a Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'

For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

They walk among us!
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One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted..... "Look at that dead bird!"
Someone looked up at the sky and said..."Where?"

They walk among us!

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While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for some time. She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

They Walk Among Us!
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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."

They Walk Among Us!
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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

They Walk Among Us!

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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'has your plane arrived yet?'... (I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!
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While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

They Walk Among Us!

And last, but not least: Dumb as a box of Rocks TRUE STORY:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi (Speaker of the United States House of Representatives)happened to appear. Ms. Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble... If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

Sadly, they walk among us!
And, MORE sadly, hold high offices!!!
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TrafficCamera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for Driving without a seat belt!!!

You can't fix stupid.

[Smitty]

Being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young Tuba Player decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the Tuba Player that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.+

The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the Tuba Player opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few Days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Wal-Mart Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense Questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless dumb-ass Tuba Player, who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the Newspaper, the headline declared...
(You're going to hate me for this...)

'ARTIE CHOKES' 2 for $1.00 @ Wal-Mart'

[Smitty]

https://www.facebook.com/greta/videos/1429995287015327/

[Smitty]

"Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?"
"Yes... yes I would."
"Would you sleep with me for a dollar?"
"What? Hell no! What kind of person do you think I am?"
"We've already established what kind of person you are... now we're haggling over the price."

[Dr PennyStock]

[Smitty]

Hip Surgery ~

Two Patients limp into two Different doctors' offices with the same complaint: Both have trouble walking and may require hip surgery...

Patient 1.
Is examined within the hour, Is X-rayed the same day and has his
surgery booked for the following week.

Patient 2.
Sees his family doctor after waiting 3 Weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 Weeks to see a Specialist, and gets an X-ray
which isn't reviewed for another week. He finally has his surgery
scheduled for 6 months from then, pending the Review Board's decision on his age and remaining value to society.

Why the Different Treatment for the two Patients?

Patient 1. Is a Golden Retriever Taken to a Vet.

Patient 2. Is a Senior Citizen on Obamacare.

After the elections in November you might make plans to find a good vet..........

[Smitty]

A large group of ISIS fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: “One Marine is better than ten ISIS fighters.”

The ISIS commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out: “One Marine is better than one hundred ISIS fighters.

Furious, the ISIS commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The voice calls out again: “One Marine is better than a thousand ISIS fighters.”

The enraged ISIS commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible fight is fought … then silence.

Eventually, one badly wounded ISIS fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men … it’s a trap. There’s two of them.”
***********************************
And BOOM!

On a serious note, our Marines are the best of the best and if given the chance, they would wipe ISIS off the face of the earth.

Of course, with Obama in charge that will NEVER happen.

[Smitty]

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOV’T AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”

RANCHER: ”Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

GOV’T AGENT: “That’s the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.”

RANCHER: “That would be me.”

[Smitty]

Wedding Night..................................An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who he has never been with a woman before.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.They end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"Well, I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."
 
 
 
 
 
 

[Smitty]

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'
The boy replied, 'What turkey?'
The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'
The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'
The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.
If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'
The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'
May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

[Smitty]

Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."

[Smitty]

VERN'S FUNERAL

Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends
Two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every
Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,
So for his birthday she takes him to a local
Strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Vern! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to
This club before.
"Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern
If he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
And says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her
Arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all
Over him and says...
"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Vernfollows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in
Beside her.
Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper
Must have mistaken him for someone else,
But his wife is having none of it

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
Calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD
THIS COMING FRIDAY.

[Smitty]

 A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

[Smitty]

A North Carolina State Trooper pulled a car over on US 301 about 2 miles south of the Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus in Emporia. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy traveling from Tennessee got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way in hell I can pass that test.”

[Smitty]

Your father probably told you a few things, but just in case he wasn’t around enough, here are some words of wisdom you might have missed out on:

Buy high quality tools, so you only have to buy them once.
Keep a change of clothes at the office.
Never hit anyone unless they are an immediate threat.
Every hat should serve a purpose.
Never take her to the movies on the first date.
Learn to wet shave.
Nothing looks more badass than a well-tailored suit.
Shave with the grain on the first go-around.
Always look a person in the eye when you talk to them.
Buy a plunger before you need a plunger.
Exercise makes you happy. Run, lift, and play sports.
Brush your teeth before you put on your tie.
A small amount of your paycheck should go directly to your savings account every month.
Call Mom and Dad every week.
Never wear a clip-on tie.
Give a firm handshake.
Compliment her shoes.
Never leave a pint unfinished.
If you aren’t confident, fake it. It will come around.
You can tell the size of a man by the size of things that bother him.
Be conscious of your body language.
The only reason to ever point a gun at someone is if you intend to shoot them. Period.
Always stand to shake someone’s hand.
Never lend anything you can’t afford to lose.
Ask more than you answer. Everybody likes to talk about themselves.
Never have sex with anyone that doesn’t want it as much as you.
Go for women out of your league. You may end up surprised.
Manliness is not only being able to take care of yourself, but others as well.
Go with the decision that will make for a good story.
When you walk, look straight ahead, not at your feet.
Nice guys don’t finish last, boring guys do.
Find your passion and figure out how to get paid for it.
Don’t let the little head do the thinking for the big head.
No matter their job or status, everyone deserves your respect.
The most important thing you can learn is personal responsibility. Bad things happen; it’s your job to overcome them.
The first one to get angry loses.
A man does what needs to be done without complaining.
Never stop learning.
Always go out into public dressed like you’re about to meet the love of your life.
Don’t change yourself just to make someone happy.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you’re in the wrong room.
Luck favors the prepared.
Women find confidence sexy as hell.
Do whatever you want to do, but be the best at it.
No one is on their deathbed wishing they spent more time at work.