Smitty's Jokes

[Smitty]

The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George. Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00....

I explode and demanded to know why the charge is so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours.

Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.

'But we didn't use them," I said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir, this check is only made out for $50.00."

''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with Senior Citizens!!

[Smitty]

 A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some ass-hole wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

" Texas , sir." the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Texas ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players there.

"Really?" said the manager "My wife is from Texas .."

"Get outta here!" the boy said. "Who'd she play for?"

[Smitty]

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION
This could only happen to an Italian kid:

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'..

The priest asks,Is that you,little Joey?

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

Well, Joey, I sure will find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'

' Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Frankie slides over whispering 'What'd you get?'

Father relpies, "4 months vacation and 5 good leads"

[Smitty]

Red Lights
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. Cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought, "I must be losing my mind. I swear we just went through a red light."
A few minutes later, they came to another intersection, and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. This time, the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was mistaken. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and yet they went right through. She turned to the woman driving and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

[Smitty]

OMGosh!!!!!! I went to the Gas station to fill up my car. I get out of my car, and saw 2 cops looking at a woman, that was smoking while pumping her gas. I'm like what the heck! Look at this person! What is wrong with her! The cops were right there too. While, I was paying for my stuff , I hear someone screaming. I look outside and that woman's arm was on fire!!! I was like OMG!!! She was tossing and waving her arm around, going crazy.... I went outside, and the cops put her on the ground and were putting the fire out with an extinguisher!! I go to get back in my car and as I'm walking by, the cops start putting handcuffs on the lady. and put her in the cop car. I'm like what is wrong with the world what's really going on? So, you know me, being the concerned citizen that I am (aka nosey). I asked the cops what they were arresting her for, ( figuring that catching her arm on fire would be punishment enough). Nope, one cop looked me dead in the eye and said for waving a firearm!   

[Smitty]

Two Can Play That Game

A shy guy named Mike is having a drink in a bar when he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage, in liquid form, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t go back to your place and sleep with you!”

By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his spot and get the attention of the bartender so he can pay his tab and leave. As Mike is signing the credit card slip the woman walks over, smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which Mike responds, at the top of his lungs, “There’s no way I’ll pay $300!”

[Dr PennyStock]

Good ones . Keep the good work.

[Smitty]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was
determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she
placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she
directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by
her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.'

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!'

[Smitty]

    **********Woman Admits to Sleeping With Husband’s Brother. His Reply Is the Best Thing Ever.**********

   
Dear Husband,

    I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good. I’ve been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

    Last week, you came home and didn’t notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t touch me or anything. Either you’re cheating or you don’t love me anymore, whatever the case is, I’m gone.

    P.S. If you’re trying to find me, don’t. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together!
    Have a great life! > Your EX- Wife

    ***************************************************************************************************************

    Dear Ex-Wife,

    Nothing has made my day more that receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn’t work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a man!” My mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say anything nice.

    When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

    After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.

    But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.
    I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyers said with your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

    P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that’s not a problem.

    Signed,
    Rich As Hell And Free!

[Smitty]

Honey Lifesavers

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of Lifesaver candies and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored Lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy and daddy probably call each other all the time."

Instantly, Lil' Johnnie coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out! Spit 'em out! They're assholes!!"

[Smitty]

After 25 years of marriage, a husband took a long look at his wife one day and said: "Twenty-five years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, and I slept on a sofa bed, but I got to sleep every night with a sexy twenty-six year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, a nice car and a big bed, but I'm sleeping with a fifty-one year old woman. It seems that you're not pulling your weight."

She replied calmly: "Then why don't you go out and find a sexy twenty-six year old blonde? And when you do, I'll make sure once again that you'll be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed."

[Smitty]

The preacher was giving a sermon to our full church when all of a sudden the devil appeared. He was menacing and threatening and the entire congregation started to flee the church except for me, just one old man. I just sat there, sitting still, leaning forward on my cane. When the church was empty the devil came up to the me and asked "aren't you afraid of me, I'm evil incarnate, the most horrific being in the universe and will most likely torture you!" I told him, "You don't scare me, I've been married to your sister for 48 years".

[Smitty]

Lesson 1/6:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’ ‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies. ‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2/6:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3/6:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’
Puff! She’s gone.
‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’
Puff! He’s gone.
‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4/6:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’ The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5/6:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’
‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. ‘They’re packed with nutrients.’
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there..

Lesson 6/6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
(3) And when you’re in deep sh*t, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

[Smitty]

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' the USA is in trouble:

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that
her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted
to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information,
and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid,
but Capetown is in Massachusetts....'' Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained,
''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa. '' His response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package
we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an
ocean-view room. I tried t o explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member(Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.
I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he
wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between
gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it
was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m, and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand
the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7 A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description
on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage
that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!'' After putting him on hold for a minute,
while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca.
is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii.
After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California
and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala who asked,
''How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied,
''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have that number on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida.
Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL
on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu, La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed
in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she
needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said,
''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from
Chicago to Rhino, New York.'' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's
the name of the town?'' 'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code
in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere." ''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly!
Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!'' So I scoured a map of the state of New York
and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?'' The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

[Smitty]

 A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"

The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"