Smitty's Jokes

[Dr PennyStock]

Smitty is one of the oldest members here on this forum, and, he posts some good jokes on the Gold Members board, so I've decided to create this new topic, so free members can also have a good laugh

Smitty, this topic is for you, so do not forget to post here your new jokes

This one is one of the last ones posted there:

85-year-old Biker Bob was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. ’

The next day Bob reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the old biker explained, 'Well you see, doc, it’s like this. “First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my old lady for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Sally, the Gal next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’ The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

Bob replied, 'Yep, none of us could get that damn jar open.’

[Smitty]

You may regret this............ . but thanks!!!!!

[Smitty]

Advice from An Old Farmer
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered… not yelled.
Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.
Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life… Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.
Don ‘t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around..
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.
Most times, it just gets down to common sense.

[Smitty]

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report
that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.

[Smitty]

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,       "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says -
"Touchdown, tie score!"

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says -
"Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, -
"Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says -
"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man replied, "Halftime, Switch sides!"

[Smitty]

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the
workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough,
more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with
her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and
gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing a couple of dollars.  The little girl took this home to her
mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that
they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to
start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the
little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building
the house next door to us." My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and
will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl
replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot will ever deliver the f*@#%ing
sheet rock..."

[Smitty]

The swallowed nickel.
------------------------
A father walks into a bookstore with his young son, who is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickel and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the quarter to the father and walks back to her seat without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic! Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replies, "divorce attorney."

[Smitty]

An escaped convict broke into a house and found a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. The convict tied the man up in a chair and tied the woman up to the bed.The convict then laid down beside the women and began whispering in her ear. He then got up and left the room.As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with him and give him anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that you remind him of his lover back at the prison and he thinks you have a cute looking butt!"

[Smitty]

THE MARINE


A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon
an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but
less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both
men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the
highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.

We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I
yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who
got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat,
good-for-nothing, left-wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive.

Then I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid,
mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!"

And there we were, in the middle of the road shaking hands, when a truck
hit us."

[Smitty]

Woman  and a Fork

There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal  illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her  things 'in order,' she contacted her Pastor and had him come to her house to  discuss certain aspects of her final wishes.

She told him which  songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read,  and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.

Everything was in order  and the Pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly  remembered something very important to her...

'There's one more  thing,' she said excitedly.

'What's that ?' came the Pastor's reply.

'This is very important,' the young woman continued... 'I want to be  buried with a fork in my right hand.'

The Pastor stood looking at  the young woman, not knowing
quite what to say.

That surprises  you, doesn't it?' the young woman asked.

'Well, to be honest, I'm  puzzled by the request,' said the Pastor.

The young woman explained.  'My grandmother once told me this story, and from that time on I have always  tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of  encouragement.. In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always  remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone  would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork.' It was my favorite  part because I knew that something better was coming...like velvety  chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with  substance!'

So, I just want people to see me there in that casket  with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?'  Then I want you to tell them: 'Keep your fork ..the best is yet to come.'

The Pastor's eyes welled up with tears
of joy as he hugged the  young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would  see her before her death.. But he also knew that the young woman had a  better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven  would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience  and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming.

At the  funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket  and    they  saw the cloak she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over  and over, the Pastor heard the question, 'What's with the fork?' And over  and over he smiled.

During his message, the Pastor told the people  of
the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died.  He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. He  told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them  that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either.

He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let it  remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come.  Friends are a very  rare jewel    ,  indeed  They  make you smile and encourage you to succeed Cherish  the time you have ,  and the  memories you share   ..... being  friends with someone is not an opportunity but a sweet responsibility.
 

[Smitty]

Doc, this absolutely one of the funniest I have ever seen, but the language is sometimes intense, (of course feel free to delete), I understand.
I have had the opportunity to be a judge at a few chili cookoffs in Texas, political fundraisers, charities, etc., and can relate to this fellows situation. It can be intense...LMAO
 
 
 
 

 
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast:
 
Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in
Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do
it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened
to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer
wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me
I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
 
Here are the scorecards from the event:
 
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
 
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they
saw the look on my face.
 
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid
pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the Front part of my chest.
I'm getting shit-faced.
 
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills;
that 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm
eating.
 
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and
four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when
I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really
pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Fuck those
rednecks!
 
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I
need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
 
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a fucking grenade in my mouth, pull the fucking pin,
and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili which slid unnoticed out of my fucking mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like shit to match my goddamn shirt. At least during the autopsy
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful. Fuck it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
just suck it in through the fucking 4-inch hole in my stomach.
 
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell
and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make
it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
 

[Smitty]

From Vegas......

I HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE, ...........IT DID ME:

It is a slow day in the East Texas town of Madisonville .

It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich tourist from the East is driving through town.

He enters the only hotel in the sleepy town and lays a hundred dollar bill on the desk stating he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks up the stairs, the hotel proprietor takes the hundred dollar bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to pay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer then takes the $100 and heads off to pay his debt to the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has lately had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel and pays off her debt with the $100 to the hotel proprietor, paying for the rooms that she had rented when she brought clients to that establishment.

The hotel proprietor then lays the $100 bill back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler from the East walks back down the stairs, after inspecting the rooms.

He picks up the $100 bill and states that the rooms are not satisfactory...... Pockets the money and walks out the door and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However the whole town is now out of debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.

If that doesn't scare the hell out of you, then I don't know what will.

[Smitty]

A man and wife were reminiscing about the old times.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Charlie, you old devil you, that sounds crazy, but sure lets go!!

A police officer sitting in the next booth over heard their conversation and, had to chuckle to himself, he
thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple slowly shuffle along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then
suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen!!
 
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is totally amazed. He thinks he has learned something new about life and old age .

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a STRONG fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to talk and says, 'Fifty years ago Sonny...that wasn't an electric fence

[Smitty]

'3900 Saturdays'

The older I get, the more I enjoy Saturday mornings. Perhaps it's the quiet solitude that comes with being the first to rise, or maybe it's the unbounded joy of not having to be at work. Either way, the first few hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable.

A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the garage with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and the morning paper in the other.  What began as a typical Saturday morning turned into one of those lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me tell you about it:

I turned the dial up into the phone portion of the band on my ham radio in order to listen to a Saturday morning swap net. Along the way, I came across an older sounding chap, with a tremendous signal and a golden voice. You know the kind, he sounded like he should be in the broadcasting business.  He was telling whom-ever he was talking with something about 'a thousand marbles.' I was intrigued and stopped to listen to what he had to say....

' Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you're busy with your job. I'm sure they pay you well but it's a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much.  Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work sixty or seventy hours a week to make ends meet.  It's too bad you missed your daughter's 'dance recital' he continued. 'Let me tell you something that has helped me keep my own priorities.' And that's when he began to explain his theory of a 'thousand marbles.'

'You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic.  The average person lives about   seventy-five years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five years.
=0 A
'Now then,  I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900, which is the number of Saturdays that the  average person has in their entire lifetime. Now, stick with me, Tom, I'm getting to the important part.

It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in any detail', he went on, 'and by that time I had lived through over twenty-eight hundred Saturdays.' 'I got to thinking that if I lived to be seventy-five, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy.  So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had.  I ended up having to visit three toy stores to round up 1000 marbles I took them home and put them inside a large, clear plastic container right here in the shack next to my gear.'

'Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out and thrown it away. I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more on the really important things in life.

There's nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight .'

'Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast. This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure that if I make it until next Saturday then I have been given a little extra time. And the one thing we can all use is a little more time.'

'It was nice to meet yo u Tom, I hope you spend more time with your family, and I hope to meet you again here on the band.  This is a 75 Year old Man, K9NZQ, clear and going QRT, good morning!'
 
You could have heard a pin drop on the band when this fellow signed off. I guess he gave us all a lot to think about. I had planned to work on the antenna that morning, and then I was going to meet up with a few hams to work on the next club newsletter.

Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a kiss. 'C'mon honey, I'm taking you and the kids to breakfast.' 'What brought this on?' she asked with a smile. 'Oh, nothing special, it's just been a long time since we spent a Saturday together with the kids. And hey, can we stop at a toy store while we're out? I need to buy some marbles.

A friend sent this to me, so I to you, my friend.

Take care,

Smitty

[Smitty]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.  Is something bothering you?''
Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.
''Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little.  Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?''1955, ma'am.''Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!   I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.

'The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, 'I hope not,
 it's only 2130 now.' !