Silver Tongued Devils..

[cyburfer]

An Australian Poetry Competition held in the Sydney Opera House had come down to two finalists;
A) The university graduate.
B) An old aboriginal man.
 
They were given a word, and then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a short four line poem that contained the word.
 
The word they were given on this occasion was ' TIMBUKTU '.
 
First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
 
Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu ..
 
The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.
 
The old aboriginal man calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;
Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu ..
 
The aboriginal man won.         Cy...

[cyburfer]

Forgive me for these LilliFar  ‘et al’  … (only jokes)      Cy…

I was sitting watching the game when my wife came into the lounge and asks, "Fancy some romance Babe?"
I said, "After the football love."
To which she said, "You do realize that you can record it?"
So I replied, "Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the game finishes".

My girlfriend has just asked me how many women I've made love to.
I said, 'I really don’t want to answer that love, you know I've had a past & I don't want to upset you!'
'C'mon', she said, 'I can handle it!'
So I had to sit there and count them all.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, you, 10, 11, 12.

My wife asked me to go to the Doctors about my Erection problem....
   she wasn't pleased when I came back and gave her some Slimming Pills.

I was at a wedding reception when the DJ announced 'All the married men out there go and stand by the person
   who makes your life worth living'. The barman was crushed to death.

My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a c*ck on it.

My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out when finally the door swung open and she said,
   "Honestly, do I look fat in this?”
I replied, "Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom".   

[cyburfer]

7H15 M3554G3
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17 WA5 H4RD BU7
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
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7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
B3 PROUD! 0NLY
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
R3AD 7H15.                   

[cyburfer]

I changed my i-Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We took a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.     

[cyburfer]

Ok, it ain't no exact science.. smile or smirk, same amount of letters...     Cy...

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been vandalized. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

[cyburfer]

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

[cyburfer]

THE HISTORY OF THE MIDDLE FINGER
 
     I never knew this before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it? Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew'). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'
 
                And yew can now show yew know every plucking thing about it..      Cy...

[bluebird]

Cy, I'm just catching up on these and can't stop laughing.  Thanks!  You made my day!

[cyburfer]

A COWBOY TOMBSTONE:
 
 
Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. He died not knowing that he would win the 'Coolest Headstone' contest.
 
 
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:   
 
 
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
 
 
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
 
 
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
 
 
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
 
 
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
 
          Cy...

[cyburfer]

In hindsight, I should probably have written on Facebook, “I’ve blown the head gasket on my 1998 Ford XR3,”
rather than, “I’ve just f**ked my fourteen year old escort.”
 

The police still haven’t seen the funny side of it, and they’ve confiscated my laptop.
 
 
However, the news isn’t all bad; the wife has gone to stay with her mother.
   

    Cy...

[RSPennyStocks]

In hindsight, I should probably have written on Facebook, “I’ve blown the head gasket on my 1998 Ford XR3,”
rather than, “I’ve just f**ked my fourteen year old escort.”
 

The police still haven’t seen the funny side of it, and they’ve confiscated my laptop.
 
 
However, the news isn’t all bad; the wife has gone to stay with her mother.
  

    Cy...

LMAO

[cyburfer]

   About 3 weeks ago I rode down to Brownsville Tx. from east of Memphis (here) via New Orleans across 10 to Houston and down for my son's wedding.. Spent a few weeks on the trip and got back about a week ago... Finally got this pic back from my son of us..  (I'm the Silver Haired Devil on the right and he's the Portugese/Mexican & German Mixed Mutt on the left 
       A couple more years and I'm gonna claim i'm "Platinum Blond" and just get plumb dumb     Cy...

       

[Vegas]

   About 3 weeks ago I rode down to Brownsville Tx. from east of Memphis (here) via New Orleans across 10 to Houston and down for my son's wedding.. Spent a few weeks on the trip and got back about a week ago... Finally got this pic back from my son of us..  (I'm the Silver Haired Devil on the right and he's the Portugese/Mexican & German Mixed Mutt on the left 
       A couple more years and I'm gonna claim i'm "Platinum Blond" and just get plumb dumb     Cy...

 

Nice... Both the ride and the visit with your son... Bet it was great to be on the road...

[Dr PennyStock]

   About 3 weeks ago I rode down to Brownsville Tx. from east of Memphis (here) via New Orleans across 10 to Houston and down for my son's wedding.. Spent a few weeks on the trip and got back about a week ago... Finally got this pic back from my son of us..  (I'm the Silver Haired Devil on the right and he's the Portugese/Mexican & German Mixed Mutt on the left 
       A couple more years and I'm gonna claim i'm "Platinum Blond" and just get plumb dumb     Cy...

       

Nice looking , and, the bikes are also great.

[cyburfer]

   An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

   No one moved.

   The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

   Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

Life is Short, Smile While You still have Teeth.     Cy...