Silver Tongued Devils..

[cyburfer]

  A man approaches a young woman in a shop and says "I can’t find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
             The woman says "Sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
   Not a clue he says but whenever I talk to a woman as good looking as you she appears out of freaking nowhere!       Cy...

[cyburfer]

                       

[cyburfer]

   Two woman making they're way home from the pub stopped for a pee in the graveyard. One wipes herself with her knickers, the other with a wreath.
   The next day the two husbands are in the pub, one says to the other "I will have to keep an eye on my wife, last night she came home with no knickers"
   "That's nothing mate" says the second husband.. "Mine came home with a card wedged in her arse, saying We`ll never forget you, from all the lads at the fire station"       Cy...
 

[cyburfer]

   My wife hosted a dinner party for family far and wide and everyone was encouraged to bring all their children as well.
   All during dinner my four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
   I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me and I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?"
   Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.
                   My little niece said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."       Cy...

[cyburfer]

It was just before Thanksgiving in Walmart, and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.

In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, 'Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

'No, madam,' he replied, 'they're all dead.'            Cy...

[cyburfer]

The police came to my front door last night, holding a picture of my Wife. 
They said "Is this your Wife Sir?" Shocked, I answered "Yes!". 
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident".
I said "I know but she has a lovely personality !"

Teacher asks class to put the word contagious in a sentence.
Ron says "The measles are contagious".
Katie says "There is a bug going round and it's contagious"
Little Johnny says "My neighbour's painting his house with a 2 inch brush and Dad says it will take the contagious !!"

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part !!"

[cyburfer]

For Real "Reality"      Cy...

----- Forwarded Message -----
From: TERRY ROONEY <[email protected]>
To:
Sent: Saturday, 8 December 2012, 13:34
Subject: Still chuckling at this one......


> Subject: Fwd: Still chuckling at this one......

> Dear Sir,
>
> On behalf of Channel Four, may I firstly thank you for your application
> submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show. Also the
> charming photograph you enclosed.
>
> Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the
> program if selected, I would point out that the correct title of the
> series is actually "Fact Hunt".
>
>
>
> Kind regards,
>
> Channel Four.

[cyburfer]

IN THE DESERT


     A guy was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it. The guy asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?" The old man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your shirt." The guy shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot! I need water!" "OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that dune there, about five miles down, there is a nice restaurant my brother runs. Go over that way, they'll give you all the water you want."
     The guy thanked him and walked away towards the dune and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the guy came crawling back to where the old man was sitting behind his card table. The old man said, "I told you, about five miles over that dune. Couldn't you find it?" The guy rasped, "I found it. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

[Dr PennyStock]

LOL, good one

[cyburfer]

For those who appreciate a bit of UK humor - the following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and ScotRail.

 
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed... by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Angus MacDougal
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. MacDougal,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
ScotRail
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That, Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Angus MacDougal.
                                           

[cyburfer]

I was in a pub on Saturday night.
 
Had a few drinks.....
 
I noticed two very large women by the bar.

They both had very strong accents, so I asked;
 
"Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
 
One of them  turned to me and screamed;
 
"It's WALES, you IDIOT!!"
 
So, I immediately  apologized, and said;
 
"Sorry.... Are you two whales from Scotland?"
 
That's all I remember.....             Cy...

[joseph1025]

Very Funny...Thank you!!

For those who appreciate a bit of UK humor - the following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and ScotRail.

 
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed... by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Angus MacDougal
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. MacDougal,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
ScotRail
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That, Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Angus MacDougal.
                                           

[cyburfer]

Very Funny...Thank you!!

Makes my day if someone can get a chuckle      Thx 4 the "Kudo's" 

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too late pal, the paperwork’s already done".

[RufRTurbo22]

Very Funny...Thank you!!

Makes my day if someone can get a chuckle      Thx 4 the "Kudo's" 

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too late pal, the paperwork’s already done".

Lol, that's awful, but funny at the same time. Traffic cops... bah, who needs those guys anyway?

[cyburfer]

          Ok.. If you've heard your friends describe you as "Anal Retentive" PLEASE Do Not click this link...
                                                  I Profusely apologise...

                   Otherwise, This had to be the funniest Marriage proposal I've ever seen Bar None..

                             Scottish Marriage Proposal (Thankfully with English subtitles)

                                http://www.youtube.com/embed/dYslhL71k1M?rel=0