Smitty's Jokes

[Smitty]

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience.
There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight).
They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had
that extra latte !! They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too got the giggles and when they finally managed to
compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.
Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'. And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment..... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'
Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
If you laughed at this pass it on. Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart, then you are just a sour old fart or tart.

[Smitty]

63 and pregnant
A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.
Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.
"Whats wrong with you?" he demanded. This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:
"Does she still have the hiccups?" 

[Smitty]

Messing with little old ladies isn't always a good idea.............
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter.
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.
They sold her the cat food.
The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.
Again, the cashier said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."
So she went home and brought in her dog.
She then was able to buy the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.
The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.
She said to the little old lady, "That smells like s**t."
The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

[Smitty]

Texas Attitude:
One day, a very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in San Antonio. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin’ to jump. ("fixin to" in Texas means getting ready to)
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump! Think of your dear mother and father."
He replied, "My mom and dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."
She said, "Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children."
He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids."
She said, "Well, then you just remember the Alamo."
He replied, ''What's the Alamo?''
She replied, ‘’Well, bless your heart! - You just go ahead and jump.... you little Yankee Bastard.... You’re holding up traffic”

[Dr PennyStock]

You always have great jokes

[Smitty]

**********Diary of a newcomer to Texas.************
Dear Diary,
Just moved to Texas! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. It is beautiful, I've finally found my home, I love it here.
June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.
June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected. Forgot and walked barefoot on a sidewalk today. The blisters will be OK by tomorrow, I think.
July 15th:
Fell asleep by the community pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the good ole' sun in a climate like this.
July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. The cicadas in the trees never shut up.
July 30th:
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here? A buzzing June bug landed on me in the middle of the night and I peed my pants.
August 4th:
Its 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.
August 6th:
Opened the closet and looked at my sweater and coat. Why? Why? Why did I even bring this stuff? Got Fall Fashion catalog in the mail today with pictures of beautiful sweaters. Threw the catalog out the window. Bought more tank tops in different colors.
August 8th:
If another wise guy cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked A$$ !
August 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my rear was on fire. My legs accidentally touched the leather and melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and rear end . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair.
August 10th:
The weather report might as well be a dang recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything but sit by a fan for 2 darn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow away. Even the cactus can't live here.
August 14th:
Welcome to HADES! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the darn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live in this state ?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.
Love,
Smitty........

[NeHuskerz]

Sounds like Phoenix. 

[Smitty]

**********🚨Breaking News🚨***********
The city of San Antonio has been left in shock because of what transpired on a VIA public transportation bus. 06/15/2022 6:00am
Bexar County Investigation Unit found two heads in a passenger's bag on the VIA Bus headed South Bound.
A young man, about 21 years old, got onto the bus  with a backpack at S.Presa Rd .
Shortly after he boarded, fellow passengers then began to perceive a strong smell from the boy's backpack.
The horrible smell made the passengers suspicious and one of them alerted the driver.
The driver saw some Policemen on patrol and beckoned to them.
The Policemen stormed the bus ,commando style, and began to search passengers.
One of the policemen almost fainted in shock when he opened the 21-year-old boy's backpack and found two (2) heads.
After examining them carefully, the Policemen found out that they were two known heads.
It was a head of garlic and the other of an onion.
Thank you very much for your attention!
Now you can continue what you were doing!
See what happens when you love the drama, too much!

[Dr PennyStock]

[Smitty]

One day, a farmer's donkey fell into a well.
The animal cried and grieved for hours while the farmer tried to do something to save him.
Eventually, the farmer decided the donkey was too old and the well had been dry for a long time, so getting the donkey out of the well wasn't worth it.
He called his neighbors, and each of them took a shovel and began throwing dirt into the well.
The donkey, realizing what was happening, started crying and growling even louder.
At one point, to everyone's surprise, the donkey stopped complaining after a few plates of dirt.
The farmer looked to the bottom of the well and was amazed at what he saw...
With every palate of dirt, the donkey was doing something incredible: it was hitting the ground with its hooves and taking a step above the ground.
Very soon, everyone saw in surprise the donkey coming to the mouth of the well, stepping over the edge and trotting out.
MORAL. Life will knock you down, but we can get out of the deepest pits if we don't give up. Use the ground they throw you to move forward. Love more, fight more, and let the real as*holes be the others.

[Dr PennyStock]

Nice message Smitty. This is the right way to think. Always positive.

[Smitty]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. Ill come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
Kid says, "One."
Boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"
Kid says "$201,237.64.
Boss says "201,237.64?? What the heck did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat; we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didnt think his Mercedes would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him an Escalade."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, your weekend is shot, you might as well go fishing.

[Dr PennyStock]

Good one 

[Smitty]

This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.
Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.
Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below:
~Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.
This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't take a crap for two days because my ass was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be
If you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.' Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

                       (Think about this one when you get tired of watching that damn live stock streamer!!!!)

[Dr PennyStock]