Smitty's Jokes

[bluebird]

I am still laughing at this!  Thank you for sharing this joke!

[Smitty]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have been a free man today." 

[Smitty]

A husband, who is not the most outgoing guy, relents to his wife's months of nagging to take her out dancing. During the evening one guy on the dance floor is giving it large - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.
Seeing this performance, the wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Her husband replies, "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

[Smitty]

Roosters....??
John was in the chicken business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters to fertilize them. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, Biden, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed Biden's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To John's amazement, Biden had thought of a way to do it without work, he had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of Biden that he entered him in the Chicago County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded Biden the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well.
Clearly Biden was a politician.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully next time around; you can't always hear the bell.

[Smitty]

A Tap on the Shoulder
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford Station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.  Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK?  I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault.  Today is my very first day driving a cab.  I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

[Smitty]

The Green Thing
In the queue at the store, the cashier told an older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.
The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."
The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment."
She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
We walked up stairs , because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.
Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragil e item to send in the mail, we used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?
Remember: Don't make old People mad.
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

[Smitty]

Never Argue with a Woman
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment..
For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

[Smitty]

The Snow(man)
8:00 am - I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender ma..wom...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burka.
8:40 - The Police arrive saying someone has been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 TV news crew from the ABC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobic sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded.
Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just a view of the world in which we live today, and it is only getting worse

[Smitty]

A woman wakes up during the night to find herself alone in bed.
She gets up to find her husband.
As she walks past the nursery she found her husband standing over their baby's crib.
Silently she watched him.
As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions:
disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused she slipped quietly into the room.
With her eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
"A penny for your thoughts,"
She whispered softly in his ear...
"It's just so amazing... "
He replied.
"I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only £46.50."

[Smitty]

One Sunday, when counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.
It happened again the next week.
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.
“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church.”
The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you”
The elderly woman answered, “$10,000 a week.”
The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living”
“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.
“That’s an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,” the pastor said. “Where does he practice”
The woman answered proudly, “In Nevada. He has two cathouses – one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.”

[Smitty]

A man married a beautiful girl. He loved her very much. One day she developed a skin disease. Slowly she started to lose her beauty. It so happened that one day her husband left for a tour. While returning he met with an accident and lost his eyesight. However, their married life continued as usual. But as days passed she lost her beauty gradually. Blind husband did not know this and there was not any difference in their married life. He continued to love her and she also loved him very much. One day she died. Her death brought him a great sorrow. He finished all her last rites and wanted to leave that town.
A man from behind called and said, “Now how will you be able to walk all alone? All these days your wife used to help you”. He replied, “I am not blind. I was acting because if she knew l could see her skin condition due to a disease, it would have pained her more than her disease. I didn’t love her for her beauty alone, but I fell in love with her caring and loving nature. So I pretended to be blind. I only wanted to keep her happy”.
Moral: When you truly love someone, you will go to any extent to keep your loved one happy and sometimes it is good for us to act blind and ignore one another’s short comings in order to be happy. The Beauty will fade with time, but heart and soul will always be the same. Love the person for what he/she is from inside, not from outside.

[Smitty]

A man and his wife traveled to the zoo. They found a monkey who was passionately playing with his female. His wife said to him, "what a romantic." Then, they found a lion and his lioness separated from each other; the silent lion sat alone in his corner as if the lioness did not exist. His wife said to him, "What a sad scene without love." Her husband then said to her, “Throw that stone at the lioness and watch.” When she threw the stone at her, the lion roared to defend his lioness. Then They saw the monkeys again and she did the same by throwing a stone; the monkey then jumped up and abandoned his female to save his own skin. Her husband then tells her, “Do not be deceived by what you see as romance in some, often it is a deceiving appearance that hides an empty heart; there are others on the contrary who show nothing, but their hearts are full of love sincere."
Sadly we have so many monkeys, and so few lions nowadays.

[Smitty]

Farmer joins the Marines.............

DEAR MA AND PA:
I AM WELL. HOPE YOU ARE. TELL BROTHER WALT AND BROTHER ELMER THE MARINE CORPS BEATS WORKING FOR OLD MAN MINCH BY A MILE. TELL THEM TO JOIN UP QUICK BEFORE ALL OF THE PLACES ARE FILLED.
I WAS RESTLESS AT FIRST BECAUSE YOU GET TO STAY IN BED TILL NEARLY 6 A.M. BUT I AM GETTING SO I LIKE TO SLEEP LATE. TELL WALT AND ELMER ALL YOU DO BEFORE BREAKFAST IS SMOOTH YOUR COT, AND SHINE SOME THINGS. NO HOGS TO SLOP, FEED TO PITCH, MASH TO MIX, WOOD TO SPLIT, FIRE TO LAY. PRACTICALLY NOTHING.
MEN GOT TO SHAVE BUT IT IS NOT SO BAD, THERE’S WARM WATER. BREAKFAST IS STRONG ON TRIMMINGS LIKE FRUIT JUICE, CEREAL, EGGS, BACON, ETC., BUT KIND OF WEAK ON CHOPS, POTATOES, HAM, STEAK, FRIED EGGPLANT, PIE AND OTHER REGULAR FOOD, BUT TELL WALT AND ELMER YOU CAN ALWAYS SIT BY THE TWO CITY BOYS THAT LIVE ON COFFEE. THEIR FOOD, PLUS YOURS, HOLDS YOU UNTIL NOON WHEN YOU GET FED AGAIN. IT’S NO WONDER THESE CITY BOYS CAN’T WALK MUCH.
WE GO ON “ROUTE MARCHES,” WHICH THE PLATOON SERGEANT SAYS ARE LONG WALKS TO HARDEN US. IF HE THINKS SO, IT’S NOT MY PLACE TO TELL HIM DIFFERENT. A “ROUTE MARCH” IS ABOUT AS FAR AS TO OUR MAILBOX AT HOME. THEN THE CITY GUYS GET SORE FEET AND WE ALL RIDE BACK IN TRUCKS.
THE SERGEANT IS LIKE A SCHOOL TEACHER. HE NAGS A LOT. THE CAPTAIN IS LIKE THE SCHOOL BOARD. MAJORS AND COLONELS JUST RIDE AROUND AND FROWN. THEY DON’T BOTHER YOU NONE.
THIS NEXT WILL KILL WALT AND ELMER WITH LAUGHING. I KEEP GETTING MEDALS FOR SHOOTING. I DON’T KNOW WHY. THE BULLS-EYE IS NEAR AS BIG AS A CHIPMUNK HEAD AND DON’T MOVE, AND IT AIN’T SHOOTING AT YOU LIKE THE HIGGETT BOYS AT HOME. ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS LIE THERE ALL COMFORTABLE AND HIT IT. YOU DON’T EVEN LOAD YOUR OWN CARTRIDGES. THEY COME IN BOXES.
THEN WE HAVE WHAT THEY CALL HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT TRAINING. YOU GET TO WRESTLE WITH THEM CITY BOYS. I HAVE TO BE REAL CAREFUL THOUGH, THEY BREAK REAL EASY. IT AIN’T LIKE FIGHTING WITH THAT OLE BULL AT HOME. I’M ABOUT THE BEST THEY GOT IN THIS EXCEPT FOR THAT TUG JORDAN FROM OVER IN SILVER LAKE . I ONLY BEAT HIM ONCE. HE JOINED UP THE SAME TIME AS ME, BUT I’M ONLY 5’6″ AND 130 POUNDS AND HE’S 6’8″ AND NEAR 300 POUNDS DRY.
BE SURE TO TELL WALT AND ELMER TO HURRY AND JOIN BEFORE OTHER FELLERS GET ONTO THIS SETUP AND COME STAMPEDING IN.
YOUR LOVING DAUGHTER,
ALICE…………

[Smitty]

Farmer joins the Marines.............

DEAR MA AND PA:
I AM WELL. HOPE YOU ARE. TELL BROTHER WALT AND BROTHER ELMER THE MARINE CORPS BEATS WORKING FOR OLD MAN MINCH BY A MILE. TELL THEM TO JOIN UP QUICK BEFORE ALL OF THE PLACES ARE FILLED.
I WAS RESTLESS AT FIRST BECAUSE YOU GET TO STAY IN BED TILL NEARLY 6 A.M. BUT I AM GETTING SO I LIKE TO SLEEP LATE. TELL WALT AND ELMER ALL YOU DO BEFORE BREAKFAST IS SMOOTH YOUR COT, AND SHINE SOME THINGS. NO HOGS TO SLOP, FEED TO PITCH, MASH TO MIX, WOOD TO SPLIT, FIRE TO LAY. PRACTICALLY NOTHING.
MEN GOT TO SHAVE BUT IT IS NOT SO BAD, THERE’S WARM WATER. BREAKFAST IS STRONG ON TRIMMINGS LIKE FRUIT JUICE, CEREAL, EGGS, BACON, ETC., BUT KIND OF WEAK ON CHOPS, POTATOES, HAM, STEAK, FRIED EGGPLANT, PIE AND OTHER REGULAR FOOD, BUT TELL WALT AND ELMER YOU CAN ALWAYS SIT BY THE TWO CITY BOYS THAT LIVE ON COFFEE. THEIR FOOD, PLUS YOURS, HOLDS YOU UNTIL NOON WHEN YOU GET FED AGAIN. IT’S NO WONDER THESE CITY BOYS CAN’T WALK MUCH.
WE GO ON “ROUTE MARCHES,” WHICH THE PLATOON SERGEANT SAYS ARE LONG WALKS TO HARDEN US. IF HE THINKS SO, IT’S NOT MY PLACE TO TELL HIM DIFFERENT. A “ROUTE MARCH” IS ABOUT AS FAR AS TO OUR MAILBOX AT HOME. THEN THE CITY GUYS GET SORE FEET AND WE ALL RIDE BACK IN TRUCKS.
THE SERGEANT IS LIKE A SCHOOL TEACHER. HE NAGS A LOT. THE CAPTAIN IS LIKE THE SCHOOL BOARD. MAJORS AND COLONELS JUST RIDE AROUND AND FROWN. THEY DON’T BOTHER YOU NONE.
THIS NEXT WILL KILL WALT AND ELMER WITH LAUGHING. I KEEP GETTING MEDALS FOR SHOOTING. I DON’T KNOW WHY. THE BULLS-EYE IS NEAR AS BIG AS A CHIPMUNK HEAD AND DON’T MOVE, AND IT AIN’T SHOOTING AT YOU LIKE THE HIGGETT BOYS AT HOME. ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS LIE THERE ALL COMFORTABLE AND HIT IT. YOU DON’T EVEN LOAD YOUR OWN CARTRIDGES. THEY COME IN BOXES.
THEN WE HAVE WHAT THEY CALL HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT TRAINING. YOU GET TO WRESTLE WITH THEM CITY BOYS. I HAVE TO BE REAL CAREFUL THOUGH, THEY BREAK REAL EASY. IT AIN’T LIKE FIGHTING WITH THAT OLE BULL AT HOME. I’M ABOUT THE BEST THEY GOT IN THIS EXCEPT FOR THAT TUG JORDAN FROM OVER IN SILVER LAKE . I ONLY BEAT HIM ONCE. HE JOINED UP THE SAME TIME AS ME, BUT I’M ONLY 5’6″ AND 130 POUNDS AND HE’S 6’8″ AND NEAR 300 POUNDS DRY.
BE SURE TO TELL WALT AND ELMER TO HURRY AND JOIN BEFORE OTHER FELLERS GET ONTO THIS SETUP AND COME STAMPEDING IN.
YOUR LOVING DAUGHTER,
ALICE…………

[Smitty]

Senior Sex
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."