Smitty's Jokes

[Smitty]

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish!"

[Smitty]

The seven-year old girl comes back home from school and her mom asks her how her day was, and what she did at school.

She tells her mom, "I had fun, we learned about people whose job is to help other people and then at recess a boy from my class asked me to play doctor."

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "and what happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

[Smitty]

The ups and downs of the Stock Market frightened a lot of small investors. One guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and asked if he were worried.

His adviser replied, "Well, let me put it this way, I sleep like a baby."

The man was amazed and exclaimed, "Really? Even with all the market fluctuations?"

Answered the adviser, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours."

[Smitty]

NOW I'M BANNED FROM WALMART Assholes! That's alright there are plenty here.
Ughh

I just received this letter in today's mail
11/27/2017

Dated 11/24/2017

Over the past few months you have caused quite a commotion in our store.. We cannot, tolerate this behavior anymore, and have been forced to ban you from the store. Complaints against you are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1. Sept 3: You took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. Sept 10: You set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Sept 17: You made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the woman's restroom.

4. Oct 3: You went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

5. Oct 4: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. Oct 14: When a clerk asked if they could help you, you began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

7. Oct. 21: Looked right into the security camera in the fishing section and used it as a mirror while you picked your nose.

8. Oct. 29: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

9. Nov 2: You hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through you yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

10. Nov 3: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, you assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!!

11. Nov 4: You went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out!

12. Nov 13: Chased children through the store dressed as a clown with a bloody knife till one was hyper ventilating!

13. Nov 23: Had the entire store in a panic as you ran around the store with your shot gun in one hand and a frozen turkey in the other. Yelling at the top of your lungs... I DIDN'T MISS THAT DAMN OL TURKEY THIS YEAR!!!!!!

[Vitamix8173]

Now that's funny.
Wish I was there for a few of those episodes

NOW I'M BANNED FROM WALMART Assholes! That's alright there are plenty here.
Ughh

I just received this letter in today's mail
11/27/2017

Dated 11/24/2017

Over the past few months you have caused quite a commotion in our store.. We cannot, tolerate this behavior anymore, and have been forced to ban you from the store. Complaints against you are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1. Sept 3: You took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. Sept 10: You set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Sept 17: You made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the woman's restroom.

4. Oct 3: You went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

5. Oct 4: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. Oct 14: When a clerk asked if they could help you, you began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

7. Oct. 21: Looked right into the security camera in the fishing section and used it as a mirror while you picked your nose.

8. Oct. 29: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

9. Nov 2: You hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through you yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

10. Nov 3: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, you assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!!

11. Nov 4: You went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out!

12. Nov 13: Chased children through the store dressed as a clown with a bloody knife till one was hyper ventilating!

13. Nov 23: Had the entire store in a panic as you ran around the store with your shot gun in one hand and a frozen turkey in the other. Yelling at the top of your lungs... I DIDN'T MISS THAT DAMN OL TURKEY THIS YEAR!!!!!!

[Smitty]

Sometimes I drink a glass of water just to surprise my liver.   

[Smitty]

 My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

[Smitty]

There’s a new bull on the farm…

    Three bulls hear the rancher is bringing another bull onto the ranch, and will most likely be reassigning cows to each one.

    The first bull says to the others, “I’ve been here five years. I’m not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows.”

    “I’ve been here three years,” says the second bull, “and have earned my right to 50 cows. I’m keeping all my cows.”

    “I’ve only been here a year,” the third bull says, “and so far, you guys have only let me have ten cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I’m keeping all 10 of my cows.”

    Just then, an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they’ve ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

    Terrified, the bulls immediately change tack. “I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend,” the first bull offers.

    “I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I’m certainly not looking for an argument,” the second says.

    They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

    “Son, don’t be foolish, let him have some of your cows and live to tell the tale,” the first bull urges.

    “Hell, he can have all my cows, the third bull responds. I’m just making sure he knows I’m a bull.”

[Smitty]

 Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[Dr PennyStock]

Very funny Smitty

[Smitty]

Subject: Redneck Etiquette.

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table … no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

[Smitty]

POTUS is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!”,

This startles the would be assassin who is wounded and captured.

Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout “Donald, duck!”

[Smitty]

A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

[Smitty]

Always remember to send a "Thank You" Note

When we get older we think differently, don't we? This letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and
was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind.

Dear Kean Elementary:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never
let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Agnes

[Smitty]

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…