Official PENNYSTOCK Martini Bar & Grill

[justonian]

Woo hoo, first half day off in a long ass time.  Hey barkeep, I'll take a crown and coke, hold the coke!   

[BigJay]

Sotally Tober
Starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get
Just give me one more drink
to fill me cup
'cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up.

[Yackov]

A vampire bat arrives back at the cave with his face, mouth, and teeth covered in blood.
All the other bats get excited and ask where he got it from.       "Follow me", he says...
Off they fly, over the hills, over the river, and into the dark forest.    "See that tree over there?"
"Yes", they all reply.
                                "Well I freakin' didn't!!!!!"         Cy...

LMAO!!

[Dandc3]

Barbara Martin*, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.  Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

He became concerned and walked over to the car.  He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange.  He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.  The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.  A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.  When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.  She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Barbara is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.  The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.

[cyburfer]

Excerpt from "E" sent by old oilfield buddy now living in Thailand..      Cy...

My new Thai girlfriend says that a small penis shouldn't be an issue in a strong and loving relationship.
Which I suppose is true ,
But I still wish she didn't have one!!!!

[cyburfer]

Woman:     Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer:     Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman:    Oh, I see.

Officer:     Can I see your license please?

Woman:    I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer:     Don't have one?

Woman:    Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer:     I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman:    I can't do that.

Officer:     Why not?

Woman:    I stole this car.

Officer:     Stole it?

Woman:    Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer:     You what?

Woman:    His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

   The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2:   Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

   The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman:     Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2:   One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman:     Murdered the owner?

Officer 2:   Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

   The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2:   Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman:     Yes, here are the registration papers.

   The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2:   One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

   The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2:   Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman:     Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.         Cy...

[Smitty]

I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck
Go figure it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.
I returned to the dealer yesterday
Because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.
... ...
'Nelson,' the technician said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'
Came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant
' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days,
Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'
I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light
And nearly creamed my new truck ,
But I swerved in time to avoid him.

I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'
Immediately the radio responded with,

Ladies and gentlemen,
The President of The
United States

Damn I love this truck....

[Kid Dynamite]

Just saw the space shuttle outside of my building 

[cyburfer]

Just saw the space shuttle outside of my building 

I thought the government shut that Med's testing program down a long time ago..    Cy...

[catfish369]

An old Jewish man lived alone in the country. He needed to plant his potato garden but the task was too daunting for the old man as the ground was hard.

His only son, Sol, who used to help him dig, was in federal prison for Insider Trading and Stock Fraud. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Solly:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Papa

A few days later, the old man received a letter from his son:

Dear Papa:
For heaven’s sake Dad, don’t dig up that garden, that’s where I buried the money & stocks.
Love, Solly

At 4:00 a.m. the next morning, a team of FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man’s house and dug up the entire garden area without finding any money or stocks. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Papa:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Solly

[cyburfer]

An old Jewish man ...

Great one Catfish..        Cy...

[Smitty]

Gorilla Removal

An old timer went into the kitchen one morning and as he was drinking his morning coffee he noticed a gorilla in the tree out front.

He called his wife into the kitchen and told her to get the yellow pages and find a gorilla remover.
...
Sure enough, she found an ad for a gorilla removal company and phoned them for the help with the problem.

The gorilla remover showed up shortly after.

He was a pretty large man with a dog named buck, a pair of handcuffs and a 12 gauge shotgun.

Looking perplexed the old man asked the gorilla remover how this was going to go.

The gorilla remover replied, "I am going to hand you the shotgun and the handcuffs, I am going to climb that tree and shake that gorilla out of the tree. When he hits the ground ol buck there will attack his crotch, and when that gorilla gets both hands aroud ol bucks neck you slap the cuffs on him."

The old man asks "What about the shotgun?"

The gorilla remover replies, "If that gorilla shakes me out of that tree you shoot ol buck!"

[Smitty]

Microchip Implant Allows Islamic Terrorists to Speak to God.

The implant is specifically designed to be injected in the forehead.

When properly installed, it will allow the terrorist to speak to God!!!
...
It comes in various sizes: Generally from .223 to .50 cal.

The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly skilled technician, who will also make the injection. No anesthetic is required.

The implant usually is completely painless. Side effects, like headaches, nausea, aches and pains are extremely temporary.

Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site, but in most cases, you won't even notice it.

Please enjoy the security we provide for you.

Best Regards,

The United States Marine Corps           

[catfish369]

Speaking German in Texas
In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels,
where there is a large German-speaking population.
One day, a local rancher noticed a man using his
hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.
The rancher rolled down the window and shouted:
"Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe
haben darein geschissen." Which means Glad to
meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have shit
in it.
The man shouted back: I'm from New York, and
down here campaigning for Obama. I can't understand
you. Please speak in English.
The rancher replied "Use both Hands"

[Smitty]

A black guy, An illegal alien, A Muslim, And a Communist Walk into a bar. The bartender asks,

"What can I get you, Mr President?"