Official PENNYSTOCK Martini Bar & Grill

[softballdaddy]

  , snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.
'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires,hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.'   

[bluebird]

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 20th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping the cat (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
•   My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
•   The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
•   My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
•   My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
•   I had no control over the drooling.
•   Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
•   I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!    Cy...

ROFLMAO I am crying reading your message

OMG!  This is wonderful.  Where can I buy one of these things?  I know a few testicles that need to be lost!  (ROFLOL) 

[cyburfer]

      Two old coots were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Smitty, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. And I know you're older than dirt... How do you feel ?" 
Smitty says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 
      "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'         Cy...       

[Smitty]

      Two old coots were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Smitty, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. And I know you're older than dirt... How do you feel ?" 
Smitty says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 
      "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'         Cy...       

What'd I tell you 'bout messin' with old people?..

[drwright68]

Hello all, DrP bought me a drink. Bloody Mary, a double and spicy please....lol

[Dr PennyStock]

Hello all, DrP bought me a drink. Bloody Mary, a double and spicy please....lol

Please, barman, give him all he wants

[drwright68]

Thnx, but I can and do drink a lot. Bring on the Sharfe Maus' lol

[Dr PennyStock]

Thnx, but I can and do drink a lot. Bring on the Sharfe Maus' lol

That is another story, we are in public

[drwright68]

Thnx, but I can and do drink a lot. Bring on the Sharfe Maus' lol

That is another story, we are in public

Yeah a Public bar! lol. Ever go to Lake Constanz?

[Dr PennyStock]

Thnx, but I can and do drink a lot. Bring on the Sharfe Maus' lol

That is another story, we are in public

Yeah a Public bar! lol. Ever go to Lake Constanz?

No, we have many here, I know Nordsee, Brombachsee, but, I already heard of that one.

[goN4it]

I enjoy politics...it is fun...we  have a congressman from New York, who has confessed that he exposed him self on Twitter numerous times...all of this and the name Weiner.... you just can't  make this up....

For our non USA friends...In America, Weiner is not a person from Vienna, but a small wurst made for a hot dog bun...

All of this while I hold some channel surfing slow boaters...need a good diversion every once in awhile...Smitty doesn't always post, so we need humor where we can find it...

Hey Smitty....how we doing?

  You're so right.  Actual headlines in USA newspapers:

Weiner Exposed
Weiner’s Pickle
Weiner apologizes for "junk" mail
Battle of the Bulge: Weiner Exposed
Weiner gets grilled
The Weiner Mystery: A Tough News "Package" to Handle

I’m sure there are more...

ha! yeah... good times

[Smitty]

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a Venison steak.
 
But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
 
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
 
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
 
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest  sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.'

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
 
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
 
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat while chanting: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

[Dr PennyStock]

[cyburfer]

A vampire bat arrives back at the cave with his face, mouth, and teeth covered in blood.
All the other bats get excited and ask where he got it from.       "Follow me", he says...
Off they fly, over the hills, over the river, and into the dark forest.    "See that tree over there?"
"Yes", they all reply.
                                "Well I freakin' didn't!!!!!"         Cy...

[Smitty]

A vampire bat arrives back at the cave with his face, mouth, and teeth covered in blood.
All the other bats get excited and ask where he got it from.       "Follow me", he says...
Off they fly, over the hills, over the river, and into the dark forest.    "See that tree over there?"
"Yes", they all reply.
                                "Well I freakin' didn't!!!!!"         Cy...