Smitty's Jokes

[Smitty]

How about the guy that walks into a bar, and he had a really short person with him.
The man went directly to the bar and ordered a double and the really short man went to the piano they had in the bar and began playing some Beethoven.
The bartender commented "Why are you ordering a double and where did you find the really short guy that knows how to play the piano?".
The man then says, "well, I probably shouldn't tell you, but here it is.
There was a genie outside just before I came in and if you ask him, he will give you whatever you want.".
The bartender jumped over the bar and ran outside.
A few minutes later he came back but was followed by a million ducks.
He told the man what he asked for, and the man replied, " Do you think I asked for an eleven inch pianist?".

[Smitty]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.
His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops...... a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service, ID badge and a dull
gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked
behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. He is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
And, the moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached...

[Smitty]

WARNING FOR ALL MALES FROM SMITTY….

 Last weekend I saw something at The Gun Show that sparked my interest.   I was looking for a little something different for my Granny. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Granny what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Leo looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Leo (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to Granny to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: Granny can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

[Dr PennyStock]

Very funny Smitty

[Smitty]

This one you REALLY need to read........LOLOL
GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.

[Smitty]

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...
and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:
Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"So, you're drunk."
Me:"But I didn't drink anything."
Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?
Me:"A motorcycle."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Officer:"A prostitute of course."
Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"
Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...

[Smitty]

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Tommy? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mom and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really need to talk to your Dad, about your brother Tommy getting my daughter Mary pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Tommy.

[Smitty]

Teach these 40 phrases to your sons and daughters so they can be more resilient, successful, and confident in life.

1. Where there's a will, there's a way.

2. Good manners don't cost anything.

3. Always ask. They can only say no.

4. You're not marrying one; you're marrying the whole family.

5. Find the good in everybody.

6. Don't cry before you try.

7.  There are no stupid questions, only stupid answers.

8. Pretty is as pretty does.

9. Treat others as you would like to be treated.

10. You can't control what others do, only your own reactions.

11. Don't buy what you can't afford.

12. Remember that things don’t make you happy, people do.

13. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

14. Two wrongs don't make a right.

15. Watch what you step in.

16. Cow turds are a cattlemen's dollar signs. It all depends on how you look at it.

17. Teamwork makes the dream work.

18. Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.

19. What we think determines what happens to us, so if we want to change our lives, we need to stretch our minds.

20. Fair? The fair is two weeks in the fall.

21.  One man's trash is another man's treasure.

22. The greatest day in your life is when you take total responsibility for your attitudes. That's the day you truly grow up.

23. True freedom is understanding that we have a choice in who and what we allow to have power over us.

24. You're only as old as you feel.

25. A rolling stone gathers no moss.

26. Early to bed and early to rise makes you healthy, wealthy, and wise.

27.  Happiness is not by chance but by choice.

28. If you don’t like the road you’re walking, start paving another one.

29. A rising tide lifts all boats.

30. Don't judge a book by its cover.

31. You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

32.  The early bird catches the worm.

33. Each day comes bearing its gifts. Untie the ribbon.

34. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.

35. Confession is good for the soul.

36. You can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.

37. The grass is greener where you water it.

38. The greatest glory in living lies not in never failing, but in rising every time we fail.

39. There is no single recipe for success. But there is one essential ingredient: Passion.

40. Never lose hope. And never underestimate the power of prayer.

[Smitty]

🐀LESSON FOR MANY🐀
A mouse, looking through a hole in the wall, sees the farmer and his wife open a package. He was terrified to see that it was a mousetrap. He ran to the patio to warn everyone.

-"There is a mousetrap at home!".
The chicken that was cackling and digging says: "excuse me, Mr. Mouse, I understand that it is a big problem for you, but it does not hurt me at all."

So, the rodent went to the lamb and he says the same thing: "Excuse me Mr. Mouse, but I don't think I can do more than ask for you in my prayers."
The mouse went to the cow and she said: "But am I in danger? I think not!" said the cow.
The mouse returned to the house, worried and dejected to face the farmer's mousetrap.

That night a great noise was heard like that of the mousetrap catching its victim, the woman ran to see what she had caught.
In the dark she did not see that the mousetrap caught the tail of a poisonous snake.
The speedy snake bit the woman, the farmer immediately took her to the hospital, she came back with a high fever.

The farmer to comfort her prepared a nutritious soup, grabbed the knife and went to find the main ingredient: the chicken; Since the woman did not get better, friends and neighbors went to visit them, the farmer killed the lamb to feed them, the woman did not get better and died.
And in the end, the husband sold the cow to the slaughterhouse to cover the funeral expenses.

The next time someone tells you about their problem and you think that it doesn't affect you because it's not yours and you don't pay attention to it, think twice, “he who doesn't live to serve, doesn't serve to live”.

The world is not going badly because of the wickedness of the bad, but because of the apathy of the good.
So when someone needs you for their problems, give them your hand or give them a word of encouragement.
May you never lack empathy!
Remember it very well, EMPATHY.