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Author Topic: Smitty's Jokes  (Read 8993 times)
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Vitamix8173
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« Reply #105 on: August 22, 2017, 11:15:58 AM »

Classic!!!
Gotta laugh at the irony.
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Smitty
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« Reply #106 on: August 24, 2017, 10:54:40 AM »

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them THREE times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."
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If you make up your mind to fight, fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp to Noah's Ark, or just wait for the rain.
Because the rain is coming.
Smitty
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Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.


« Reply #107 on: August 24, 2017, 10:59:15 AM »

If you're at an Apple store when it gets robbed, are you an iwitness?
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If you make up your mind to fight, fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp to Noah's Ark, or just wait for the rain.
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Smitty
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Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.


« Reply #108 on: August 25, 2017, 11:23:43 AM »

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. Ill come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

Kid says, "One."

Boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"

Kid says "$201,237.64.

Boss says "201,237.64?? What the heck did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat; we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didnt think his Mercedes would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him an Escalade."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, your weekend is shot, you might as well go fishing.
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If you make up your mind to fight, fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp to Noah's Ark, or just wait for the rain.
Because the rain is coming.
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« Reply #109 on: August 25, 2017, 12:16:36 PM »

This last one is really very good Grin

Keep them coming, Smitty.
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Dr PennyStock
Smitty
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« Reply #110 on: August 25, 2017, 01:24:25 PM »

FUNNY SHIT!!

This got the whole of Sydney ( Australia ) laughing. Read it and you'll see why!

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney ...

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.

The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sarah."

DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever Have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work Number and call her up.

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones.....ringing...)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air Right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect is manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up my ass....."

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack, he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation, for minor traffic collisions.
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If you make up your mind to fight, fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp to Noah's Ark, or just wait for the rain.
Because the rain is coming.
Smitty
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Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.


« Reply #111 on: September 14, 2017, 10:25:43 AM »

The Pope is super early for his flight. He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the Pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the Pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."

Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"

Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."

Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"

Cop: "More important, sir."

Chief: "A major politician?"

Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."

Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"

Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the Pope is his driver."
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If you make up your mind to fight, fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp to Noah's Ark, or just wait for the rain.
Because the rain is coming.
Smitty
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Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.


« Reply #112 on: September 18, 2017, 06:09:04 PM »

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.

After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys, they have come to steal your land."
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If you make up your mind to fight, fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp to Noah's Ark, or just wait for the rain.
Because the rain is coming.
Smitty
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Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.


« Reply #113 on: September 18, 2017, 06:28:16 PM »

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
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If you make up your mind to fight, fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp to Noah's Ark, or just wait for the rain.
Because the rain is coming.
Smitty
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Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.


« Reply #114 on: September 21, 2017, 12:16:09 PM »

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent. "The stork brought you to us."

"Ohh..." said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, your grandparents found us under a rock."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, they were found under a cabbage leaf," said the parent.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
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If you make up your mind to fight, fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp to Noah's Ark, or just wait for the rain.
Because the rain is coming.
Smitty
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Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.


« Reply #115 on: September 22, 2017, 11:05:12 AM »

Guy's - Don't Do This On A Date

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date..."I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.""I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.""I used to come here all the time with my ex.""Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.""I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.""And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.""I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.""It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.""I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.
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If you make up your mind to fight, fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp to Noah's Ark, or just wait for the rain.
Because the rain is coming.
Smitty
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Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.


« Reply #116 on: September 28, 2017, 09:40:18 AM »

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina."What did he say?" asked the Ranger.The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me!'"
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If you make up your mind to fight, fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp to Noah's Ark, or just wait for the rain.
Because the rain is coming.
Smitty
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Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.


« Reply #117 on: September 29, 2017, 09:35:49 AM »

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," says the little boy.

As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

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If you make up your mind to fight, fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp to Noah's Ark, or just wait for the rain.
Because the rain is coming.
Smitty
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Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.


« Reply #118 on: October 02, 2017, 10:47:08 AM »

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What was that for?"
"Your horse called."
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If you make up your mind to fight, fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp to Noah's Ark, or just wait for the rain.
Because the rain is coming.
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