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Community => The Lounge => Topic started by: cyburfer on April 03, 2012, 09:32:53 PM



Title: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on April 03, 2012, 09:32:53 PM
Everybody knows some.. just a play on words. Kind of like the old    "Girl who flys plane upsidedown has ..... up"
(Pm me if you didn't get that one) ???..    Ok, i'll toss a couple out there for a start..   :P   Cy...

When fish are in schools they sometimes . . . take debate.

You are stuck with your debt if . . . you can't budge it.

A will is a . . . dead giveaway.

(I didn't say they had to be funny)  :-\   Cy...


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: bluebird on April 03, 2012, 11:49:14 PM
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it!

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it!

A jury is never satisfied with the verdict. The jury always returns it.



Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on April 04, 2012, 06:01:16 AM
Spot on Bluebird  ;D 

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

A lot of money is tainted: t'aint yours, and t'aint mine.                  (But we keep trying : )   Cy...



Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on April 05, 2012, 01:01:58 AM
The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.    :'(

A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.

My broker and I are working on a retirement plan. Unfortunately, it's his..   

It was so cold today I saw a stockbroker with his hands in his own pockets.

Stockbroker's creed: A man is a client until proven broke.

A market analyst is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today!

Q: Why did God create stock analysts ?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.         

Broker: A man on the right end of a telephone.              :-[        Cy...


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on April 14, 2012, 12:30:50 PM
Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?
Because his pecker is on his head!

What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Mega-saur-ass

Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend ?
3 Stone !

How to you make a dish washer into a snow blower?
Give the b**ch a shovel

The fight we had last night was my fault,
my wife asked me what was on the TV and i said dust.    :'(    Cy...



Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on April 14, 2012, 12:42:27 PM
Anybody ever really Piss you off and your mind was whirling and you didn't have a retort handy???   :-X    ???

Are your parents siblings?

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?

Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Every person has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!

Go ahead, tell them everything you know. Should take about 10 seconds.

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

Living proof that a person can live without a brain!

The kind of person that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

Not stupid; just possessed by a retarded ghost.

Was your cage door open again?

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

    :D   Cy...


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: Leftcoaster on April 17, 2012, 10:07:29 AM
Rim shots all around. Too early in the morning for me to have any adds, but thanks for the smiles.


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on April 17, 2012, 10:15:13 AM
Thanks for the Shot..  :D   Yeah , that last batch goes better after you've had a couple cups of Java and are ready to duck..    :o    Cy...


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on April 21, 2012, 03:06:45 AM
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes

Why is air a lot like sex?
It's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
Male fraud

What is the one thing that unites all Americans, regardless of gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background?
Deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers

Light travels faster than sound
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

What's the new and politically correct name for Lesbian?
Vagitarian         ::)       Cy...


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on April 25, 2012, 11:36:58 PM
     I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.  Apparently, you can't go alone.  You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito.  I hear no one recognizes you there.  I have, however, been in Sane.  They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.  I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.  I live close so it's a short drive. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.  I have also been in Doubt.  That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.  Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.  One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!  It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart!  At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.  People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before!  I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.  I actually kind of enjoy it there. So far, I haven't been in Continent, but my travel agent says I'll be going soon.
                                    :P   Cy...



Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: bluebird on April 26, 2012, 09:38:16 AM
     I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.  Apparently, you can't go alone.  You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito.  I hear no one recognizes you there.  I have, however, been in Sane.  They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.  I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.  I live close so it's a short drive. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.  I have also been in Doubt.  That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.  Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.  One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!  It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart!  At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.  People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before!  I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.  I actually kind of enjoy it there. So far, I haven't been in Continent, but my travel agent says I'll be going soon.
                                    :P   Cy...



LOL - Thanks so much Cy.  Love your light hearted and fun postings.  Thanks.  :D :) :D


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: Stretcher75 on April 26, 2012, 12:35:30 PM
Site broke the most users online at on time today :)


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on April 29, 2012, 08:42:19 AM
A tough looking group of bikers was riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
    "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked...
    "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" So she does... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says,  "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"
    "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........".

                    The authorities think she may have been pushed.    :-*    Cy...


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on April 29, 2012, 10:17:09 AM
                      Italian Silver Tongues  :P

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! ..
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore,
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
She retorted indignantly.

'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..                  :D    Cy...


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: goN4it on April 30, 2012, 08:49:46 PM
LOL Em Eye crooked-letter crooked-letter, Eye crooked-letter crooked-letter, Eye humpback humpback eye!


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on May 08, 2012, 01:13:10 PM
An Australian Poetry Competition held in the Sydney Opera House had come down to two finalists;
A) The university graduate.
B) An old aboriginal man.
 
They were given a word, and then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a short four line poem that contained the word.
 
The word they were given on this occasion was ' TIMBUKTU '.
 
First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
 
Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu ..
 
The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.
 
The old aboriginal man calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;
Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu ..
 
The aboriginal man won.     :P    Cy...


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on May 12, 2012, 03:01:58 PM
Forgive me for these LilliFar  ‘et al’  … (only jokes)   :o   Cy…

I was sitting watching the game when my wife came into the lounge and asks, "Fancy some romance Babe?"
I said, "After the football love."
To which she said, "You do realize that you can record it?"
So I replied, "Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the game finishes".

My girlfriend has just asked me how many women I've made love to.
I said, 'I really don’t want to answer that love, you know I've had a past & I don't want to upset you!'
'C'mon', she said, 'I can handle it!'
So I had to sit there and count them all.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, you, 10, 11, 12.

My wife asked me to go to the Doctors about my Erection problem....
   she wasn't pleased when I came back and gave her some Slimming Pills.

I was at a wedding reception when the DJ announced 'All the married men out there go and stand by the person
   who makes your life worth living'. The barman was crushed to death.

My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a c*ck on it.

My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out when finally the door swung open and she said,
   "Honestly, do I look fat in this?”
I replied, "Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom".    :-*


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on May 12, 2012, 03:04:19 PM
7H15 M3554G3
53RV35 7O PR0V3
H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N
D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
17 WA5 H4RD BU7
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
Y0UR M1ND 1S
R34D1NG 17
4U70M471C4LLY
W17H 0U7 3V3N
7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
B3 PROUD! 0NLY
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
R3AD 7H15.                    ???


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on May 19, 2012, 03:02:05 AM
I changed my i-Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We took a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.      :o


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on May 27, 2012, 07:41:45 PM
Ok, it ain't no exact science.. smile or smirk, same amount of letters...  ::)   Cy...

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been vandalized. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.



Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on July 30, 2012, 01:14:41 AM
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on August 15, 2012, 02:06:22 AM
THE HISTORY OF THE MIDDLE FINGER
 
     I never knew this before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it? Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew'). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'
 
                And yew can now show yew know every plucking thing about it..      8) Cy...


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: bluebird on August 15, 2012, 09:27:52 AM
Cy, I'm just catching up on these and can't stop laughing.  Thanks!  You made my day!


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on August 30, 2012, 04:46:34 PM
A COWBOY TOMBSTONE:
 
 
Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. He died not knowing that he would win the 'Coolest Headstone' contest.
 
 
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:    8)
 
 
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
 
 
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
 
 
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
 
 
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
 
 
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
 
       :P   Cy...


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on October 09, 2012, 04:45:46 PM
In hindsight, I should probably have written on Facebook, “I’ve blown the head gasket on my 1998 Ford XR3,”
rather than, “I’ve just f**ked my fourteen year old escort.”
 

The police still haven’t seen the funny side of it, and they’ve confiscated my laptop.
 
 
However, the news isn’t all bad; the wife has gone to stay with her mother.
   

 ;)   Cy...


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: RSPennyStocks on October 15, 2012, 10:26:23 AM
In hindsight, I should probably have written on Facebook, “I’ve blown the head gasket on my 1998 Ford XR3,”
rather than, “I’ve just f**ked my fourteen year old escort.”
 

The police still haven’t seen the funny side of it, and they’ve confiscated my laptop.
 
 
However, the news isn’t all bad; the wife has gone to stay with her mother.
  

 ;)   Cy...

LMAO


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on October 20, 2012, 05:13:36 PM
   About 3 weeks ago I rode down to Brownsville Tx. from east of Memphis (here) via New Orleans across 10 to Houston and down for my son's wedding.. Spent a few weeks on the trip and got back about a week ago... Finally got this pic back from my son of us..  (I'm the Silver Haired Devil on the right and he's the Portugese/Mexican & German Mixed Mutt on the left  8)
       A couple more years and I'm gonna claim i'm "Platinum Blond" and just get plumb dumb  :D   Cy...

       (http://images.investorshub.advfn.com/images/uploads/2012/10/19/jcchzInn_Sign.jpg)


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: Vegas on October 20, 2012, 07:14:20 PM
   About 3 weeks ago I rode down to Brownsville Tx. from east of Memphis (here) via New Orleans across 10 to Houston and down for my son's wedding.. Spent a few weeks on the trip and got back about a week ago... Finally got this pic back from my son of us..  (I'm the Silver Haired Devil on the right and he's the Portugese/Mexican & German Mixed Mutt on the left  8)
       A couple more years and I'm gonna claim i'm "Platinum Blond" and just get plumb dumb  :D   Cy...

 

Nice... Both the ride and the visit with your son... Bet it was great to be on the road...


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: Dr PennyStock on October 21, 2012, 03:57:48 PM
   About 3 weeks ago I rode down to Brownsville Tx. from east of Memphis (here) via New Orleans across 10 to Houston and down for my son's wedding.. Spent a few weeks on the trip and got back about a week ago... Finally got this pic back from my son of us..  (I'm the Silver Haired Devil on the right and he's the Portugese/Mexican & German Mixed Mutt on the left  8)
       A couple more years and I'm gonna claim i'm "Platinum Blond" and just get plumb dumb  :D   Cy...

       (http://images.investorshub.advfn.com/images/uploads/2012/10/19/jcchzInn_Sign.jpg)

Nice looking ;D , and, the bikes are also great.


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on October 27, 2012, 08:56:15 AM
   An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

   No one moved.

   The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

   Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

 Life is Short, Smile While You still have Teeth.   :D  Cy...

             


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on November 08, 2012, 03:19:21 PM
  A man approaches a young woman in a shop and says "I can’t find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
             The woman says "Sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
   Not a clue he says but whenever I talk to a woman as good looking as you she appears out of freaking nowhere!
    ::)   Cy...


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on November 08, 2012, 11:51:32 PM
                        (http://images.investorshub.advfn.com/images/uploads/2012/11/8/hulfj5_deadly_terms.jpg)


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on November 18, 2012, 10:16:09 AM
   Two woman making they're way home from the pub stopped for a pee in the graveyard. One wipes herself with her knickers, the other with a wreath.
   The next day the two husbands are in the pub, one says to the other "I will have to keep an eye on my wife, last night she came home with no knickers"
   "That's nothing mate" says the second husband.. "Mine came home with a card wedged in her arse, saying We`ll never forget you, from all the lads at the fire station"
    :o   Cy...
 


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on November 18, 2012, 10:21:27 AM
   My wife hosted a dinner party for family far and wide and everyone was encouraged to bring all their children as well.
   All during dinner my four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
   I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me and I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?"
   Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.
                   My little niece said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
    8)   Cy...


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on November 22, 2012, 01:14:04 AM
It was just before Thanksgiving in Walmart, and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.

In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, 'Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

'No, madam,' he replied, 'they're all dead.'
         :-\   Cy...



Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on December 07, 2012, 07:46:35 PM
The police came to my front door last night, holding a picture of my Wife. 
They said "Is this your Wife Sir?" Shocked, I answered "Yes!". 
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident".
I said "I know but she has a lovely personality !"

Teacher asks class to put the word contagious in a sentence.
Ron says "The measles are contagious".
Katie says "There is a bug going round and it's contagious"
Little Johnny says "My neighbour's painting his house with a 2 inch brush and Dad says it will take the contagious !!"

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part !!"


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on December 08, 2012, 03:23:53 AM
For Real "Reality"   ;D   Cy...

----- Forwarded Message -----
From: TERRY ROONEY <terryrooney69@btinternet.com>
To:
Sent: Saturday, 8 December 2012, 13:34
Subject: Still chuckling at this one......


> Subject: Fwd: Still chuckling at this one......

> Dear Sir,
>
> On behalf of Channel Four, may I firstly thank you for your application
> submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show. Also the
> charming photograph you enclosed.
>
> Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the
> program if selected, I would point out that the correct title of the
> series is actually "Fact Hunt".
>
>
>
> Kind regards,
>
> Channel Four.


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on December 23, 2012, 11:32:27 PM
IN THE DESERT


     A guy was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it. The guy asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?" The old man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your shirt." The guy shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot! I need water!" "OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that dune there, about five miles down, there is a nice restaurant my brother runs. Go over that way, they'll give you all the water you want."
     The guy thanked him and walked away towards the dune and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the guy came crawling back to where the old man was sitting behind his card table. The old man said, "I told you, about five miles over that dune. Couldn't you find it?" The guy rasped, "I found it. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: Dr PennyStock on December 24, 2012, 09:47:23 AM
LOL, good one ;D


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on December 26, 2012, 02:08:17 AM
For those who appreciate a bit of UK humor - the following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and ScotRail.

 
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed... by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Angus MacDougal
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. MacDougal,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
ScotRail
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That, Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Angus MacDougal.

                                            (http://images.investorshub.advfn.com/images/uploads/2012/12/26/chvlflaughing_Eeyore.gif)


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on December 26, 2012, 07:33:44 PM
I was in a pub on Saturday night.
 
Had a few drinks.....
 
I noticed two very large women by the bar.

They both had very strong accents, so I asked;
 
"Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
 
One of them  turned to me and screamed;
 
"It's WALES, you IDIOT!!"
 
So, I immediately  apologized, and said;
 
"Sorry.... Are you two whales from Scotland?"
 
That's all I remember.....
         :P    Cy...


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: joseph1025 on December 27, 2012, 02:54:53 AM
Very Funny...Thank you!!




For those who appreciate a bit of UK humor - the following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and ScotRail.

 
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed... by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Angus MacDougal
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. MacDougal,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
ScotRail
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That, Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Angus MacDougal.

                                            (http://images.investorshub.advfn.com/images/uploads/2012/12/26/chvlflaughing_Eeyore.gif)


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on December 27, 2012, 03:31:34 AM
Very Funny...Thank you!!

Makes my day if someone can get a chuckle   :D   Thx 4 the "Kudo's" 

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too late pal, the paperwork’s already done".



Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: RufRTurbo22 on December 27, 2012, 09:55:23 AM
Very Funny...Thank you!!

Makes my day if someone can get a chuckle   :D   Thx 4 the "Kudo's" 

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too late pal, the paperwork’s already done".



Lol, that's awful, but funny at the same time. Traffic cops... bah, who needs those guys anyway?


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on January 12, 2013, 10:01:27 PM
          Ok.. If you've heard your friends describe you as "Anal Retentive" PLEASE Do Not click this link...
                                                  I Profusely apologise...

                   Otherwise, This had to be the funniest Marriage proposal I've ever seen Bar None..

                             Scottish Marriage Proposal (Thankfully with English subtitles)

                                http://www.youtube.com/embed/dYslhL71k1M?rel=0 (http://www.youtube.com/embed/dYslhL71k1M?rel=0)


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: Dr PennyStock on January 14, 2013, 04:36:18 PM
Oh my gosh, ROFLMAO ;D ;D ;D


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on January 21, 2013, 10:48:10 PM
>To: <undisclosed-recipients:;>
>Subj: Stupid Question... Excellent Answer!
For those that don't know him, *Major General Peter Cosgrove* is an Australian.

*This is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

*FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

*GENERAL COSGROVE:
*We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

*Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

*I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

*Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

*I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

*But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

*Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

*The broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.*


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on January 26, 2013, 01:04:25 AM
(http://images.investorshub.advfn.com/images/uploads/2013/1/26/jzswdPatient.gif)

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like car mechanics...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains, and no spine.. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.



Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: Dr PennyStock on January 26, 2013, 08:41:26 AM
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D I agree 100%


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on February 11, 2013, 05:28:13 AM
             Good monday morning all.. Hope everyone had a fantastic weekend   :)    Cy...

     A balding, grey-haired man from Chelmsford in Essex walked into a jewellery store last Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a really special ring for his new girlfriend.
     
     The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The man said, "No, No, that’s a mere bauble… I'd like to see something much more special."

     At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £140,000", the jeweller said.

    The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man having seen this said, "I think we'll take it."

     The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By cheque... But I know you’ll need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now, you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and we'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."

     On Monday morning the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, "There's no money in that account."
           "I know", said the old man wearily, "but let me tell you all about my fantastic weekend!!"   :-*

     


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: Dr PennyStock on February 12, 2013, 10:00:44 AM
;D ;D ;D Very good.


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on March 10, 2013, 10:56:38 AM
   A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.
  "I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered? " Stated the counsel for the insurance company.
   "Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head.
  "You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case?"
  "Yeah, but " stammered the farmer.
   "A simple yes or no will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly.
   "Yes," Replied the farmer.
   Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said.
  "Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. "Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. "Now, mate, what the heck would you have said to him?"
   
              :P  Cy...



Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on March 12, 2013, 06:33:53 AM
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up " said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot? " enquired the teacher with a sneer."

Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself. "
 

 :-\  Cy...




Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on March 25, 2013, 08:22:42 AM
A man walks into a bank and says he wants to borrow$200 for six months.
The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has.
The man says 'I've got a Rolls Royce -- keep it until the loan is paid off-- here are the keys.'
Six months later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $200 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce.
The loan officer asks him, 'Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two hundred dollars?'
The man answers, 'I had to go to Europe for six months,and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?'

 :P   ;)   Cy...


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: Dr PennyStock on March 25, 2013, 10:50:42 AM
You always post here some great jokes, thanks ;D


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on March 26, 2013, 09:47:44 AM
You always post here some great jokes, thanks ;D
Yeah you know those slow days... 
PS: any and all please feel free to contribute any good chuckles .. Thanx    8)    Cy...


(http://images.investorshub.advfn.com/images/uploads/2013/3/26/rfqwnadvise.jpg)


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: Dr PennyStock on March 26, 2013, 10:00:55 AM
LOL, this last one is great ;D ;D


Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on April 04, 2013, 09:02:50 AM
No explanation required,  ;)   (_?_)  Cy...
 
(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) an ass hole

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_)kiss my ass

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

You have just been e-mooned!







Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on April 15, 2013, 06:07:28 AM
Quote
I would like to help you, but, I am already worried with my own tax system, where I can pay 52% of the profits I make  :(   ;D


At first I thought this was funny .. . .
but realise the awful truth of it .


Tax his land, Tax his bed, Tax the table at which he's fed .

Tax his work, Tax his pay, He works for peanuts anyway!

Tax his cow, Tax his goat, Tax his pants, Tax his coat .

Tax his tobacco, Tax his drink, Tax him if he tries to think .

Tax his car, Tax his gas, Find other ways to tax his ass .

Tax all he has then let him know that you won't be done till he has no dough .

When he screams and hollers then Tax him some more, Tax him till he's good and sore .

Then tax his coffin, Tax his grave, Tax the sod in which he's laid .

When he's gone do not relax, it's time to apply the inheritance tax .

(Partial List)

Accounts Receivable Tax
Airline surcharge tax
Airline Fuel Tax
Airport Maintenance Tax
Building Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Goods and Services Tax (GST)
Death Tax
Driving Permit Tax
Environmental Tax (Fee)
Excise Taxes
Income Tax
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Petrol Tax (too much per litre)
Gross Receipts Tax
Health Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest Tax
Heating Tax
Lighting Tax
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Mortgage Tax and his pension
Personal Income Tax
Property Tax
Poverty Tax
Prescription Drug Tax
Real Estate Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Retail Sales Tax
Service Charge Tax
School Tax & Tax what he buys and what he sells
Telephone Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Water Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
Tax (VAT) on Tax .
And Now they want a blooming Carbon Tax!


FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago . . .
& our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world .

We had absolutely no national debt, had a large middle class, a huge
manufacturing base, and Mum stayed home to raise the kids.

What in the Hell happened?




Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: cyburfer on June 05, 2013, 03:27:16 AM
Today's word is.................. Fluctuations
 
(I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.)
 
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.  There was just one lady in front of me , an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .
 
She asked the teller , "Why it change?  Yesterday , I get two hunat dolla fo yen.  Today I only get hunat eighty?  Why it change?"
 
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said , "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says , "Fluc you Amelican people too"



Title: Re: Silver Tongued Devils..
Post by: RufRTurbo22 on June 06, 2013, 10:57:03 AM
LOL