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Author Topic: Smitty's Jokes  (Read 10030 times)
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Smitty
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Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.


« Reply #120 on: October 23, 2017, 09:43:04 AM »

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish!"
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If you make up your mind to fight, fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp to Noah's Ark, or just wait for the rain.
Because the rain is coming.
Smitty
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Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.


« Reply #121 on: November 03, 2017, 11:14:15 AM »

The seven-year old girl comes back home from school and her mom asks her how her day was, and what she did at school.

She tells her mom, "I had fun, we learned about people whose job is to help other people and then at recess a boy from my class asked me to play doctor."

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "and what happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."
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If you make up your mind to fight, fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp to Noah's Ark, or just wait for the rain.
Because the rain is coming.
Smitty
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Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.


« Reply #122 on: November 17, 2017, 12:12:23 PM »

The ups and downs of the Stock Market frightened a lot of small investors. One guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and asked if he were worried.

His adviser replied, "Well, let me put it this way, I sleep like a baby."

The man was amazed and exclaimed, "Really? Even with all the market fluctuations?"

Answered the adviser, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours."
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If you make up your mind to fight, fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp to Noah's Ark, or just wait for the rain.
Because the rain is coming.
Smitty
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Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.


« Reply #123 on: November 29, 2017, 01:57:51 PM »

NOW I'M BANNED FROM WALMART Assholes! That's alright there are plenty here.
Ughh

I just received this letter in today's mail
11/27/2017

Dated 11/24/2017

Over the past few months you have caused quite a commotion in our store.. We cannot, tolerate this behavior anymore, and have been forced to ban you from the store. Complaints against you are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1. Sept 3: You took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. Sept 10: You set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Sept 17: You made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the woman's restroom.

4. Oct 3: You went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

5. Oct 4: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. Oct 14: When a clerk asked if they could help you, you began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

7. Oct. 21: Looked right into the security camera in the fishing section and used it as a mirror while you picked your nose.

8. Oct. 29: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

9. Nov 2: You hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through you yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

10. Nov 3: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, you assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!!

11. Nov 4: You went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out!

12. Nov 13: Chased children through the store dressed as a clown with a bloody knife till one was hyper ventilating!

13. Nov 23: Had the entire store in a panic as you ran around the store with your shot gun in one hand and a frozen turkey in the other. Yelling at the top of your lungs... I DIDN'T MISS THAT DAMN OL TURKEY THIS YEAR!!!!!!
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If you make up your mind to fight, fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp to Noah's Ark, or just wait for the rain.
Because the rain is coming.
Vitamix8173
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Always look ahead, and be a blessing to others


« Reply #124 on: November 29, 2017, 02:43:30 PM »

Now that's funny.
Wish I was there for a few of those episodes

NOW I'M BANNED FROM WALMART Assholes! That's alright there are plenty here.
Ughh

I just received this letter in today's mail
11/27/2017

Dated 11/24/2017

Over the past few months you have caused quite a commotion in our store.. We cannot, tolerate this behavior anymore, and have been forced to ban you from the store. Complaints against you are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1. Sept 3: You took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. Sept 10: You set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Sept 17: You made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the woman's restroom.

4. Oct 3: You went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

5. Oct 4: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. Oct 14: When a clerk asked if they could help you, you began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

7. Oct. 21: Looked right into the security camera in the fishing section and used it as a mirror while you picked your nose.

8. Oct. 29: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

9. Nov 2: You hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through you yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

10. Nov 3: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, you assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!!

11. Nov 4: You went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out!

12. Nov 13: Chased children through the store dressed as a clown with a bloody knife till one was hyper ventilating!

13. Nov 23: Had the entire store in a panic as you ran around the store with your shot gun in one hand and a frozen turkey in the other. Yelling at the top of your lungs... I DIDN'T MISS THAT DAMN OL TURKEY THIS YEAR!!!!!!
Logged
Smitty
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Gender: Male
Posts: 2286


Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.


« Reply #125 on: November 29, 2017, 04:18:23 PM »

Sometimes I drink a glass of water just to surprise my liver.   Grin Cheesy Grin
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If you make up your mind to fight, fight like you're the third monkey on the ramp to Noah's Ark, or just wait for the rain.
Because the rain is coming.
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